Letter to Myself 05.15.2024

Halfpoint of May. Half of chaos and nonsense. What a cold and bleary month, doggedly persisting in its character instead of trying something new. Character of a gremlin or, no, a bigger beast, something which looms and says, NO LONGER WILL YOU TOLERATE WHAT YOU DID ALL WINTER NO LONGER WILL YOU TOLERATE YOURSELF, and brings a fist down on the church to prove business. Structurally, I like May. Realistically, in the thick of it, I’m over it. So much handling of emergencies I don’t get to sit in the rain and weed the garden. Can’t delight in things when there’s yet another drain on the batteries.

I try, nonetheless. My greatest defiance is in loving the world.

Rings is going well. As long as you keep adding words to a project, eventually it takes a shape and fills out and starts tottering around. Now we have the difficulty of telling people what it’s about.

“Well, it’s rooted in conspiracy theories and benign cannibalism. And perhaps magic is a parasite.”
“Figuratively?”
“Nope. But it’s a hopeful game! A cheerful game! With lots of ethical conundrums. And it’s very hard to die. You can’t die. Even if you want to.”

But the reality of a TTRPG is that no story ends, no severed thread is ever wanting for a knot. Stories are the dirt of a TTRPG setting, little half ones with forgotten or wrong bits that argue with each other and fight, sometimes seismically. The accumulation of what we think we know and what is and what no longer matters unless you pick it up is what makes it all work. There can be no central truth, authority, ethical code, moral. There are always going to be contradictory realities in a game – there have to be – and what I consider success is if players can easily add to them.

On one hand, it’s very nice and I recommend trying it out. You don’t have to resolve SHIT as the writer – just leave the bits hanging out for someone else to pick up. On the other, I have to write a few hundred stories about magical rings. Pick your poison.

Stop correcting me

It’s one thing to remain fond of what was; it’s another to harness your time to those no longer present. Not the dead – they have whatever you give, which is enough even if nothing – but the living who don’t think of you. The ones who don’t give you room even in thought.

Who else could live there if you let them go – if you stopped looking at their pictures and their curated joys and sadnesses? Why are you preventing yourself from finding a place in someone else’s pictures instead of simply absorbing theirs?

Early morning

Two blocks wide, footing rough, the path curves up and away from you.

To your right, the wall is soft, bluish, cold. The wall is flesh. The slightest pressure bruises, the surface more delicate than expected. If you push further (of course you do, just to see), it breaks and divots and weeps a mix of runny gray and viscous black. The wall feels, the wall emits a low moan of pain every time. The path is neither wide nor smooth enough for you to never stumble and to stumble left is impossible.

To the left is nothing. Supposedly emptiness but don’t touch the wall. You have goosebumps rippling along your left arm with the fear you might touch it. You see below – is it a brain? A city? A storm from above? Dull flashes of blue in the dark.

I don’t know what to tell you about the wheel you’re on, the wall you hurt as you walk, the city below you. A hill or a wheel or an impossible climb – did Sisyphus have a moment of triumph that first day or did he learn over time?

Has hope abandoned hell or is it master there?

Necessary armistice

I watched the street split yesterday. Big, beautiful cracks as sections bulged and water poured from beneath. A main broke, leaving a bed of mud in long rivulets all the way down the next block.

Partner and I stood at the kitchen window throughout the day, giggling as people displaying criminal amounts of inattention drove right past or through the cones, tape, or other blockades of the repair site. One man in a dark blue SUV thought perhaps he could fit through the meter gap between water company trucks. It didn’t go well.

Later, the dog tried to traipse through the sewage mud, seeing the street as a new creek to play in.

Currently reading: The Worm Ouroboros, House of Many Ways

Birds today: metric shit load of juncos

Mood: gem-encrusted goblet full of warm, congealed blood. It tastes like cheap chocolate pudding.